September 11, 2013

I know it’s late, but that’s how I roll…

September 11, 2001:

I sat in my therapists office as he railed on about worry and fear, telling me: “don’t worry about yesterday, its in the past and you can’t change it. Don’t worry about tomorrow, it isn’t here. Focus on today only.”

I’ve often joked about how my life could have been so different if I had actually taken his advice and focused on “today only”. My young, impressionable mind could have become royally obsessed with the Towers, the airplanes, the people.

Instead, I still fear the past, I still worry about the future and I can’t relax today. Instead, it took me years to process what I’d see and heard that day. The conflicting actions of the people in my life who were supposed to help me through it. Viewing that much hate and that much love and still so much indifference all in a span of a few hours left me with a lot of confusion.

Even further down the years, I’m married to a soldier. He’s fought in the wars that started that day, as has his older brother and so many other men and women. Not all of them come home. When you look at the death counts (a phrase that shouldn’t even exist), do you just count those in the Towers, the ones in the airplanes and the ones in the Pentagon? Or do you remember that so many more have died as a result of that day? Each soldier, contractor, or civilian who has died in the wars of Iraq and Afghanistan has died because of what happened September 11, 2001.

Let’s remember this, when we look at other war-torn nations and think we can help. Decades ago, we thought we could help. Today, we mark the anniversary of the day that help bit us in the ass.

Let’s remember those who lost their lives because our government focused too much on today and not enough about our future. Let’s remember those people who lost their lives because a small group of anti-Americans decided a plane would make a great weapon of mass destruction. Let’s remember the soldiers who have lost their lives taking the fight to another country, so our children can grow up without seeing bodies in the streets or living in fear of being murdered in their sleep as a message to the town.

Let’s remember.

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The heart of a child

God tells us in both Mark 10:15, and Luke 18:17, that unless we have the faith of a child we will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

Mark 10:15 (New King James Version)

15 Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it.”

Luke 18:17 (New King James Version)

17 Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it.”

Now this is something I struggle with dearly. Having Asperger’s Syndrome, there is so much out of my control and so much that upsets me that I tend to grab tight and don’t let go of the things I can control. I’ve gotten upset about some random thing or another and dyed my hair, or shaved my head, or pierced something (yes, I said pierced, like needle through flesh).
Having the faith that it will all work out for the better is NOT my strongest gift. I was blessed with an empathetic heart, a kind ear, a for the most part, a gentle word. Blind faith is not something I am good at. It is a constant struggle for me to remember that in order to succeed in life, I must first lose myself in Christ. What does this have to do with having the heart and faith of a child? Everything.
Just yesterday, I was crying on Skype to my poor husband because I am fearful about money. If it were up to me, we would buy only what is absolutely necessary for survival and squirrel away the rest. I grew up in a family that was beyond poor. We went to McDonald’s once a month, on the day my mom got her welfare check, just because my mom wanted us to be like the other kids and have the stupid little toys lying all over the house. My mom would water down the milk, to thin it out and make it last to the next paycheck. My mother would go days without eating so that my sister and I could have two meals a day at home during the school week. This left me very fearful that at some point there will be no more money and I will not be able to care for my family. I do not have the faith of a child when it comes to being prepared and caring for my family.
Today, I took my kids out to breakfast, we were running late. Our order arrived late at our table, and immediately after breakfast we went to the closest Walmart to the Denny’s only to discover that Walmart did not have a fabric department. Driving to our second Walmart of the day took another 40 minutes. Just before we arrived, I was flipping through the radio stations as I always do, like I said, I have to have control in a lot of areas of my life including not listening to songs that I don’t care for.
Hitting the sixth button on my dashboard brings up “The Beaver 100.3 FM“. Listening to the song until it ended, the announcer came on live for the local Toys R Us, where the radio station in partnership with a lot children’s assistance organizations, were holding a holiday toy drive. Along with the radio station DJs, members from the Dark Empire Group and the 501st Legion would be there to take pictures with the kids. Telling my daughter this as we pulled into the parking lot of the second Walmart, she says “Maybe we could take a toy to the Toys R Us.” I looked at her sadly and told her “Maybe another day, kid. We will donate toys before Christmas, but I just don’t think we can do it today.” She looked sad for a minute, on the verge of tears, and then her face lit up and she exclaimed “But I could give my Pix E. Flutters.”
This was the nail in heart. She had begged for that doll for so long and had finally received it just this past Easter. She’s owned that doll all of eight months, but here she sits, strapped into her booster seat, so willing to part with it for the benefit of someone else.
That is the faith of a child.
In my mind, I replayed the conversation with my husband yesterday and all my fears about money went streaming through my head on a fast-forward loop. I could tell her ‘no, we need to wait’… I could easily lie to her and say we couldn’t afford it right now, but I know myself too well. If something is not front and center in my focus right now, I will forget.
“We’ll see,” I told her.
“We’ll see is another way of saying ‘no’,” she replied without even thinking of it.
She didn’t mean it the way it probably sounds. She sounded disappointed, not bitter or angry. She was just stating that I do say the phrase “We’ll see” a lot and typically, we don’t end up doing the thing we’re “seeing” about. What she said was a statement of fact, but it hit me harder than any rebuke I have ever had. God was using my daughter in that moment to teach me a lesson. I truly hope I do not forget this lesson she helped to teach me.
We walked right into the Walmart and headed for the toy department. Sissy picked out a Lalaloopsy doll, and Little Brother grabbed a Lightning McQueen talking flashlight. I spent $50 including the items I had originally gone in for and we drove straight to the Toys R Us to deliver our toys. Upon telling the DJ about how we ended up there, she shook my hand and told me that it speaks volumes about me as a parent and how we are raising our kids. They loaded the kids with miniature candy canes and even grabbed most of the members of the 501st Legion and the Dark Empire Group to take a picture to send to my husband in Afghanistan.
My dear girl wanted to give one of her own dolls to a child in need. God used her to lay it on my heart to not worry about tomorrow, but help today. I truly have a blessed little girl as a daughter, and somewhere in the city of Clarksville, on Christmas morning, there will be a doll under a tree just waiting for another little girl to open it, and she’ll never know about the special little girl who helped put it there.

Am I worth more than a chicken sandwich?

This thing with Chick-Fil-A is getting out of hand. As a Conservative Christian, I try to lead a life pleasing to no one but God. I support the views

HIS purpose… It was never about us.

of Dan Cathy on traditional family values because his views reflect God’s views. As an Army Wife, my husband’s job is to be willing to lay down his life for the sake of protecting our freedoms and the Oath of Enlistment even talks of protecting our Constitution from “all enemies, both foreign and domestic”. So I support the first amendment.

There are many out there who don’t support this view. I’ve had several very close friends, whom I have known most of my life, call out all “Religibigots” (their word) and a big “F**K OFF!”. I don’t understand this. There is a lot about human nature I don’t understand. Why is it okay for the LGBT community to throw slurs and hate at Christians, when all one guy did was confirm his faith? Isn’t that a double standard? Everything they are saying is protected under the First Amendment, so why isn’t my belief in God’s word protected as well?

This both hurts and confuses me. It makes me angry that you say I’m a bigot, I’m a homophobe, I’m hateful simply for expressing that my views line up with the Bible. That my views on a topic are the same as God’s views. That I take the Bible in whole, as complete and unalterable. I’m the bigot? What does that make you?

You who have supported me in times when no one else would. You who have gone to hell and back to protect me from someone who meant me harm. You who warned my husband that there are people out there who wish me troubles. What does that make you? I have slept on your couch when I had no place else to go. You talked to me when no one else would listen. We have always been there for each other, for no less than the past ten years. My children loved you, but today you made them cry. Our friendship is finished over a chicken sandwich? Is that all I meant to you?

I am hurt by this, but in it I find strength. God gives me strength because, in truth, He is all I need. I will never want for air, thirst for water, hunger for food because God is there.

Jesus is there.

He is never out of control. If we would only let His have the wheel, He will never steer us wrong.

So go ahead, “Unfriend” me. I wont lose my place in heaven over a chicken sandwich. I wont turn my back on God, on my beliefs, on myself and fellow Christians because of waffle fries. I wont agree with you because “it’s cool”.

So go. I bid you no ill will. I wish you the peace and happiness I have always wished for you. I still love you, though you show none for me. I will continue to pray for you as I always have.

Go on, my friend, live your life away from my “Religibigot” words and behaviors. I’m sorry that our friendship could be broken so easily, but I need God more than I need you.

That’s actually John 15:18 for those who want to look it up. It’s pretty lazy to just say “the Bible”. I mean, come on. There are 66 books in the Bible and the Book of Psalms is 150 chapters long!