This is going to seem odd, but I am thankful for this deployment.
I want to be clear. I am not thankful that my husband is in a foreign land. I am not thankful that there is a chance he may never come home to us. I am not thankful for the separation, the issues in communication, or the lack of someone to hold my hand at the end of the day.
I AM thankful for having a simplified way of finding the people who really care about me. I AM thankful for this opportunity to be independent and really discover who I am and the things that I like to do. I AM thankful for the chance to show people who think I can’t do it, that I really can.
You see, there are a lot of people in my life who claim that they love me. They say as much. They claim to support me, to have faith in me, to be there for me when I need them. These are the same people who have not called once in the past five months to ask how I’m doing. They don’t send emails to let me know they are thinking of me. They don’t post on my Facebook page to tell me they are praying for my family while my husband is gone. These are the people I heard from via text message occasionally, but only in the context of “What do the kids want for Christmas?” or “Does Sissy have one of these, I was gonna buy it for her birthday.” I’m glad that these people have taken to showing at least a minimal interest in my children, but no regard is shown for me. One person in particular, called to ask about the kids Christmas presents and then went on and on about a gift they bought for another family member’s birthday. This same person did not so much as send me a birthday card last month. Though I did get a random comment on a Facebook post that someone else had posted to my wall.
These same people, who have chosen to ignore me the past five months, have also, in the past, expressed little comfort in my ability to care for myself and my children in my husband’s absence. They don’t believe I can do it. They don’t believe in me. They have no faith. Well, I am thankful because in the past five months, I have proven them wrong. I don’t have to even believe in myself to do it either. There are two children, two tiny little hearts, quietly sleeping in the next room. And THEY believe in me. They know I can do it. They know I will take care of them and that I can fix anything, and that what I can’t do on my own, we have Google to ask for help. They’ve seen me build shelves, and purse hangers, and fix the car. They know when I need comfort and they tell me the words that I tell them when they are sad.
I can do this. And this deployment has shown me that. It is certainly NOT easy. If given the choice, my husband would have come home months ago, but part of me is glad for this time apart. Not only am I getting the opportunity to prove everyone wrong, but I am proving myself wrong. Months ago, I didn’t think I would make it this far. Four months from now, my husband will come home to us. I will hug him and forget about all the hardships I’ve had to deal with alone these long months. I will read these blogs and know that the helplessness was short lived and that peace comes in the morning.
I am independent.
I am fierce.
I am getting stronger every day.
I will prove them wrong.
I can do this.
I am thankful for this deployment because I am more me now than I was before. I am stronger, more independent, and fiercely loyal. I know who is behind me and who stepped out of my life when I needed them the most. For that, I am thankful.