Peace and Calm

I knew I was gonna crash soon. I’d been riding high a few too many days on little food and even less sleep… I can’t write. I can’t control my brain. I have one thing after another after another after another going through my head and none of it makes sense and all of it makes sense and I need to purge.

Why is it so hard to understand the world? This place isn’t AS friendly, it’s just not. One panic attack after another after another all day long.

Driving unfamiliar cars, unhelpful emails from the doctors, characters who wont cooperate, I over slept again this morning. I can’t do it. I have to do it. The NaNoWriMo store has been down for days but only on my computer. I can’t get the t-shirt ordered, the store wont load.

It’s too bright outside, but I have to keep the blinds open. Have to have to have to, I need the light. But it’s so bright. It’s cloudy and cold and damp and bright outside and it’s to much.

Everything is loud and so bright and just so … it’s too much. My clothes aren’t right and the couch isn’t right and the television isn’t right and the neighbors close their car doors too loudly and three blocks away someone is repairing a roof in the middle of what is quickly becoming winter but should still be autumn. Should still be autumn.

I don’t know how to fix it. the world is just wrong today.

ever have one of those days where you just want to blacken it right off the calendar. I think today is that day. I can honestly tell you all that in about ten minutes I wont know what I wrote in this post. my brain just keeps buzzing and it wont stop and it barely slows down. its a good thing i can type while staring at a spinning ceiling fan though i think that;s only making this overwhelming anxiety worse…

Today is not good. not good. tomorrow. tomorrow will be better. why are there only three working light bulbs on the ceiling fan? I should fix that. does the step ladder reach that high?

Maybe now that some of this is out I can get back to work on my novel. Maybe I can still finish on time.

Maybe.

Maybe I can still finish.

Tomorrow will be better. Much better.

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12 thoughts on “Peace and Calm

  1. djmatticus says:

    I have this theory about Tuesdays… but, that’s beside the point. Yes, tomorrow will be better. Good luck on reaching the finish line!

    • Does your theory include the fact that I had to confirm on a calendar that today is, in fact, Tuesday? I thought it was Monday… I have several of those a week, ya know? I do find it randomly amusing that on the day I write a nervous breakdown, I get like three more followers… I promise, I’m not always like this… Okay I am, but I hide it well 🙂

      • djmatticus says:

        why hide it? it’s good for inspiration, right? My Tuesday theory basically comes down Tuesday being the worst day of the week (Monday – start of something new, Wednesday – hump down, Thursday – the day before Friday, Friday – Friday, which leaves Tuesday just sitting their waiting to suck the life from us)

      • why hide it? Because nobody wants to hang out with the woman who hits herself in the head when she’s frustrated or who has fits because there are too many people in a given space. Nobody wants to be different and when you have AS it makes it that much harder to just be yourself. I know I am different. I know I process the world around me differently and it’s emotionally exhausting to hide, but nobody would like me for me.

        Perfect example of why I hide:
        https://notesfromthebackseat.wordpress.com/2012/07/04/typical-me/

      • djmatticus says:

        Oh to live in a world where we celebrate differences… we can hope and we can dream. And in the meantime I will still look at being different as a great place for inspiration… because you see the world different from everyone else, because you have stories and experiences that no one else has had, you have the opportunity to write about all of that, to share it with the rest of us…

      • 😀 Thank you for your kind words.

        I also write novels about pregnant serial killers 😉 She has a lot of redeeming qualities when she’s not offing people, I promise lol

  2. Shari says:

    Big hugs. I really do think it’s just the holiday “I can’t get EVERYTHING done!” doldrums. It’s hitting me everywhere I go, among my friends & me.

  3. In spanish there is a saying that goes: En martes, no te cases ni te embarques, like dont do anything important on tuesdays cause it is not a good day… I hope today you feel better! God bless you always! it is really good being able to write all those feelings somewhere, hope writing them could have helped you too 🙂 and I am back these days, dont know if updating my blog though… heheh been doing some things that kept me busy… missed ya! cheer up! ❤

    • Oh, I missed you too, hun. It did help a little. I was still pretty off the rest of the day, but I was able to get nearly 5,000 more words of my novel written and now I just have 1300 left to go to be a NaNoWriMo Winner 🙂 Today has been better if you don’t included the Niagara Falls of blood coming from my son’s nose this morning 😦

      • Omg, I am back getting used to a new job and wordpress that has changed some features too lol sorry not to reply soon, I am about 3 weeks later :((( I have been linving a romantic life lately… so out of mind and of this planet, with a job over my shoulders too so no time for anything… I hope you are ok these days, Christmas is coming, the Mayas thing is in the corner and shit is happening around the world… 😦 really hard times, and really good ones to keep on trusting God and having faith, I just came for a while, better drop me a line in my personal email: nadhia.olivos@gmail.com 🙂 God bless you every day!

      • It’s getting better, though admittedly, I am distracting myself with thoughts of making my own birthday cake after Christmas.

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