I knew I was gonna crash soon. I’d been riding high a few too many days on little food and even less sleep… I can’t write. I can’t control my brain. I have one thing after another after another after another going through my head and none of it makes sense and all of it makes sense and I need to purge.
Why is it so hard to understand the world? This place isn’t AS friendly, it’s just not. One panic attack after another after another all day long.
Driving unfamiliar cars, unhelpful emails from the doctors, characters who wont cooperate, I over slept again this morning. I can’t do it. I have to do it. The NaNoWriMo store has been down for days but only on my computer. I can’t get the t-shirt ordered, the store wont load.
It’s too bright outside, but I have to keep the blinds open. Have to have to have to, I need the light. But it’s so bright. It’s cloudy and cold and damp and bright outside and it’s to much.
Everything is loud and so bright and just so … it’s too much. My clothes aren’t right and the couch isn’t right and the television isn’t right and the neighbors close their car doors too loudly and three blocks away someone is repairing a roof in the middle of what is quickly becoming winter but should still be autumn. Should still be autumn.
I don’t know how to fix it. the world is just wrong today.
ever have one of those days where you just want to blacken it right off the calendar. I think today is that day. I can honestly tell you all that in about ten minutes I wont know what I wrote in this post. my brain just keeps buzzing and it wont stop and it barely slows down. its a good thing i can type while staring at a spinning ceiling fan though i think that;s only making this overwhelming anxiety worse…
Today is not good. not good. tomorrow. tomorrow will be better. why are there only three working light bulbs on the ceiling fan? I should fix that. does the step ladder reach that high?
Maybe now that some of this is out I can get back to work on my novel. Maybe I can still finish on time.
Maybe I can still finish.
Tomorrow will be better. Much better.