Day 22: Something you miss
There are a lot of things in my life that didn’t used to be there. There are just as many things that used to be in my life that aren’t anymore. One of these things is “togetherness”.
In school, I always wanted to fit in. I always wanted to go out for sports, drama, debate team. I wanted to be a part of something. I wanted to be bigger than I was. I never did any of these things. Numerous reasons abound, but I was never on a team for anything. I had a pretty small group of friends in high school, but we were very close. We hung out a lot and though some of that changed when I went to college and they didn’t, I was still close with many of them. I increased the small number of friends I had by hanging out with them in the cafeteria. Even in college, the cafeteria was the place to meet people. It was centrally located in the dead center of campus and pretty equidistant from every building on campus.
When I got married, I moved to California. I haven’t had close friends since I left Florida. I was 20 when I left Florida. I was having drunken slumber parties with my Bestie, Claire Bear. I was a part of something. I felt close to people. After years of getting to know them, I belonged to the group I had always been a part of.
Sure, I have friends now, but not like Claire. Not like Maggie, or Sarah, or Melissa. These were girls who accepted my nutty behavior, my wild side and loved me more for it. I miss that. I miss having friends that I didn’t feel the need to hide part of myself around. I miss being myself all the time. I miss not fearing what people will think and the crazy girl I used to be. I was a lot more fun then. I had a lot more internal freedom. I was a lot less afraid of the world around me. I was part of a group of people who grew apart, but we’re still together. I haven’t seen Claire since Sissy was 3 months old. My best friend and I haven’t been in the same room since May 2006!
I miss her. I miss me. I miss the me I used to be. I miss the togetherness of the friends I have in Florida. I miss being part of something and I miss the “Fun” me. Occasionally, she comes out. When she does, I think my husband misses her too. Maybe I’ll color my hair red this winter… Then my green headband would make me look like Christmas… I know just the girl for the job!