I feel like I’m a failing blogger. To be honest, I do this for me anyway, but I feel like I’m letting myself down or something. It’s an odd feeling.
I haven’t posted anything “new” recently, and for that I won’t apologize. I have little traffic and even fewer followers, so I have nothing and no one to apologize to.
I will say, things are hard. There is a “Fancy Dress Party” tomorrow night (also known as a Squadron Ball to the rest of our unit). I have a dress I love, I have basic ideas for hair and make-up, but I’m having a hard time being excited about it. It’s one of thousands of reminds that by the end of the summer I will be a single mom of two kids with special needs (my daughter has autism, my son a speech delay) while dealing with my own diagnosis of Asperger’s (coming soon to an Aspie near you! *said in my best movie announcer impersonator voice*). My husband will be deploying soon… I can’t say when or where to specifically, but it will be much too far and much too soon for my liking.
For people like me, everything is terrifying. I struggle through everything the first time and my husband has always been the patient one waiting in the wings for me to come off my Aspie induced panic attack. He’s guided me so much and I really rely on him, probably more than I should. But, aside from our kids, he’s all I have. I have little contact with my family and his family doesn’t really understand how to relate to me in a successful way. I try to make everyone happy and end up failing everyone, so what’s the point of trying anymore?
Anyway, the first time I went on Splash Mountain, I didn’t want to go. I was terrified and crying by the time the log left the entrance to the ride. I was panicked and praying and crying the entire time. That was the last time I went on Splash Mountain. When my daughter was born, I was panicked. Screaming “I can’t do this” to anyone in the room. My mom’s response was “It’s a bit late to be saying that, don’t ya think?” While my husband was much more supportive with words of encouragement and a lot of “You can do it.” and “I’m so proud of you.” despite how nervous he must have really been. This is our first deployment, and somewhere along the way, I’ve stopped believing my husband when he tells me “Everything will be okay.” I used to believe him, but somewhere along the line something got broken and I don’t know how to believe him now. I am convinced that the day he leaves will be the last time I ever look in his eyes, ever hold him, ever tell him that I love him to his face.
I know that this is irrational, but I can’t stop the thoughts in my head. It breaks my heart that I’m mourning a loss that hasn’t happened yet. I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know how to believe he will come home safe. This is the fear that I feel each and every time I experience something for the first time.My brain has what I call “Worst Case Scenario Syndrome”. I feel incapable of thinking about things in a positive manner. I try so hard to believe that good things are possible, but I absorb everything and take it all to heart. I’m an emotional person and because of this, the worst possible thing that could happen is the only foreseeable outcome the first time I go through an experience. I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to feel this way.
On the opposite side of things, I can completely shut myself off from my emotions. I can talk about experiences I’ve had, horrible experiences as if they happened to a character in a book. With a “matter-of-fact” attitude and little emotional connection, I can talk about things that have happened. I can discuss the deployment in terms of it happening to someone else’s husband in some far away state, but the second my husband gets brought up, the wall comes tumbling down with such a racket in my head and I burst into tears. I have to immediately change the subject because I don’t like to cry. I feel I cry too much. Crying shows weakness (or it did where I grew up) and so I cannot cry. I will not cry. I try my hardest not to cry.
But I do…
And I don’t know how to fix what’s wrong.
By the end of the summer, my husband will be leaving me for a foreign land. I’m a lost little Aspie with no rope to guide me home. He is my home and without him my home feels empty. I will run on autopilot for a few weeks. It’s not good for me to go so long without feeling, but emotionally, I will have to shut down or I may shut down physically and that’s not good for the needs of my children.
I will put on my “big girl panties” and do it, not because I want to, but because I have to.
Duty calls and he must go
It does not matter that I love him so.
It matters not that I’ll miss him so
For Duty calls and he must go
Life goes on no matter what
With an achy feeling in my gut
Praying that he will come home
But Duty calls and he must go.
Our children cry
Our children weep
Our children will not go to sleep.
Duty means so little to them
It is not foe or nay a friend,
For Daddy’s duty is to them.
But Duty calls and he must go.
They will love and miss him so
Duty calls and he must go.
He will love and miss us so
For Duty called and he must go.
~~ Rainshadow Noba, 7-19-2012