This has been weighing on my mind for days now. A few years ago, I accidentally read part of an email being sent from one of my in-laws to another describing an “event” I had. I hadn’t meant to spy, but we were talking and I was sitting near her when she was writing this email. In it, she referred to me as “Typical *me*”…
I don’t know how to feel about this. If anyone present during the “event” had bothered to direct attention to what I was going through, maybe my behavior wouldn’t have seemed so “typical” of me. Maybe if they understood what it is to be an adult who is just discovering I have Asperger’s instead of the various psychiatric illnesses I have been labeled with over the years, they would be more compassionate.
Then there are the questions of myself: Is my behavior really so awful that one family member can say to another, “she’s being ‘typical *me*’ again” and the meaning is clear? What am I doing wrong that people who claim to love, care about, and accept me can say such hurtful things behind my back?
It is affecting my ability to trust these family members. It is making it much more difficult to feel like I can be myself around them. We are on vacation and have been spending a lot of time with my in-laws the past week or so. I’m emotionally exhausted and it has nothing to do with the three days at Disneyland and the upcoming day at Sea World. I’m fighting so hard to maintain a positive front. I’m struggling to keep control of everything and it’s becoming so hard to even breathe without crying. Two nights ago, I nearly had a panic attack because my husband couldn’t sit near me and the kids at dinner. There were 9 people squeezed at a table made to seat 6 (maximum). I am finding it much harder to relax and haven’t slept very well since we left home, two weeks ago, which I know is affecting my moods and self-control.
There are so many things bouncing through my head right now, but being “Typical *me*” seems to be bothering me the most. The night of the “event”, I cried myself to sleep in my husband’s arms and had spent the previous night in the ER with my son (who was 16 months at the time) because he couldn’t breathe. I know I wasn’t the best person that day. I understand I ruined it for everyone. I don’t need people making snide comments behind my back to remind me of how I made everyone else’s day a complete disaster. They didn’t bother to ask what was going on inside my head.
It’s lonely here. I don’t know how to let people in and when I feel like I’m starting to do it something like this always occurs. I can’t be who they want me to be and still be true to myself. When I’m true to myself, I’m causing problems and being “Typical *me*”.
It’s not my fault I have sensory issues.
It’s not my fault I have social phobias.
It’s not my fault I don’t understand you.
It’s not my fault you don’t make the effort for me.
It’s not my fault I panic in new situations.
It’s not my fault my anxieties get the better of me every time.
It’s not my fault I can’t control my reactions to stimuli all the time, or the things that come out of my mouth, or that my inner filter is broken.
It’s not my fault that I try so hard to pay attention to a conversation about you without interrupting and fail miserably most of the time.
It’s not my fault I have Asperger’s.
I’m trying so hard to believe all these things are not my fault. I’ve spent 27 years 6 months 3 days 22 hours and 19 minutes trying to fit in and be normal by your standards, by the worlds standards.
I’m just tired.